As You Are
by Merith
Summary: Complete AU: Quatre reflects on his former relationship with Duo, what went wrong, what was right, and how it really happened.
1. As a known memory

****

As You Are   
By Merith   
  
Pairings: 2x4x2   
Rating: R   
Warnings: AU, Shonen Ai, yaoi, language, angst, hints of NCS   
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, its characters or its story line. But I do enjoy writing about them!   
A/N: Inspired by two separate conversations, this story became a challenge of sorts. Could I as an author, write a believable story with a pairing I didn't believe would work? Thanks to Mereilla and Saro for letting me bounce a couple ideas off them.   
  
To: Arithion, who believes, and to Saro, who could believe.   
  
~   
  
_Come   
As you are   
As you were   
As I want you to be   
As a friend   
As a friend   
As a known memory_   
'Come as You Are' - Nirvana   
  
~   
  
**Part I: As a known memory   
**  
The light knock at the door barely reached my consciousness; I was too engrossed in studying. My roommate spoke to someone, and I heard a response, but didn't pay attention to who it was or what was said.   
  
"Quatre, it's for you," Victor announced, breaking into my concentration.   
  
I looked around to the door, and felt my heart thump. Duo. I should have known he'd make an appearance sooner or later. The wish it would have been later - much later - wasn't going to come true. As my eyes swept over his form, I could see he did the same to me. He looked better than the last time I'd seen him up close, but the dark wedges under his eyes showed he wasn't as healthy as he should be, as he once was.   
  
"You …you look good," he said with a hesitant smile. He'd come in to stand next to my desk, and I saw with some alarm he was not at ease; Duo was never nervous.   
  
Giving a slight nod in acknowledgment, I tapped my pen to my notebook, a little impatiently, not at all relaxed myself. "Why are you here, Duo?" I asked in a low voice. Victor had gone back to his desk, watching a DVD on his computer; he didn't need to overhear anything Duo had to say to me.   
  
Duo glanced around, playing with the end of his braid before dropping it. Giving a slight sigh, he finally looked at me. "I... I'd like to talk with you, Quatre." He ducked his head and mumbled, "I need to talk to you."   
  
Dread settled in my stomach and my heart beat loudly. I wasn't sure exactly what he wanted, what he had to say, but the first thought in my head made its way out before I could stop it. "You have a STD?"   
  
Floored. That was the only word I could use to describe his expression. Recovering, he said in a low, harsh voice, "God no! How could you… why the hell would you think of something like that?" He wasn't nervous any longer; he was angry.   
  
Feeling somewhat relieved I hedged embarrassed at where my thoughts had led me. "Well … you know … you, uh… date a lot… and I…" I quit when his eyes narrowed. I shifted my gaze to look out the window, color heating my cheeks. "I apologize, Duo. I hadn't meant to imply anything."   
  
He touched my shoulder briefly calling my attention back to him. When our eyes met, he seemed a little more at ease, and no longer angry. His expression was a little more pensive than what I was used to seeing. With a soft exhale, he sank into a crouch, holding himself just below my eye-level. "I wanted to talk to you… not about anything else but … but us." His voice was quiet, his eyes urging me to listen. I wasn't sure what to say, unable to look away, but not able to speak either, and his anxiety returned. He picked up a paper clip off the carpet, and his fingers began to unwind its bent frame.   
  
"Duo," I forced out. "I don't think … I mean, why?"   
  
Not looking up, he said softly, "I have some things to say, to explain, and I'd like you to listen. I know you don't want to see me any more, to talk to me… but I can't just let it go without one more… without saying something."   
  
I did not want to talk to Duo. I did not want to live through another fight, another self-aborted stab at a relationship with him. But... remembering our brief encounter the week before, and some of the rumors I'd heard, I thought I should listen what he had to say. I owed him that much at least. "Okay, but I really have to finish this chapter before I can quit. Can it wait a few minutes? Do you want me to meet you somewhere? Call you?" I held little hope.   
  
He was shaking his head. "Could I hang out here? Otherwise I can come back in an hour..." It was obvious he didn't want to leave.   
  
"I guess you can stay. I'm not positive what Vic's doing, but I've got a couple new books if you want to check them out." I gestured to the rack above my bed and nearly groaned aloud. I still kept the framed picture of the two of us tucked between my favorite books.   
  
Duo spotted the photo and turned back, giving me a brief smile. Barely a shadow of the ones he used to wear, it held a sadness I'd never seen before. "I guess I'll see what Vic's up to."   
  
When he went to the other side of the room, I tried to concentrate on my World Civ book. The words jumbled themselves into nonsense, and my ears twitched trying to hear what the others were talking about. My eyes sought out our picture, and the ache I thought I'd lost weeks ago settled its weight, making itself at home. There had been time when we didn't hate each other, if hating is how we now felt. The picture proved that we used to have some kind of bond for how else could we have looked so happy as we were then. Duo had an arm draped on my shoulder, his face turned toward me and I faced the camera, the both of us smiling or perhaps even laughing. I laughed a lot, then.   
  
Tearing my eyes from the picture, I forced myself to return to taking notes. World Civilizations wasn't a hard course, just time consuming in remembering specific periods and events. And as boring as it could be, it was necessary for my degree. My degree. That had been one of those subjects Duo always teased me about. "Who's ever heard of a 'Magnate of International Studies' anyway? Switch to Poly Sci like the rest of us." He had a way of doing that, twisting things around to make them sound a little more than normal. I was working on an international business degree with an emphasis in international trade laws. His teasing didn't become bitter until he learned who I really was.   
  
In so many ways I wished the hands of time could fly back to those days when we'd first started seeing each other, as more than friends that is. Since the first day we'd met, we'd become friends, and the first time I saw him, I couldn't stop thinking of him. Freshman Orientation in the dorms' common room, he was arguing some minor point of the dorm rules, and one of the floor leaders threw up his hands in disgust saying something fairly derogatory about Political Science majors. I had never met anyone like him, so full of life and so loud. Charming one minute and tactless the next, he was so contrary to everything and everyone I'd ever known, and I couldn't help but be drawn to him.   
  
I held off for more than a couple of days to approach him; I wasn't shy by any means having been used to meeting and holding conversations with any manner of people through my father's business. But there was something about this boy, almost a man, something that triggered a warning letting me know that if I got too close, I could get burnt. In the end, it was he who approached me.   
  
_  
"Hey, do you mind if I sit here?" he asked sitting down before I could open my mouth. I'd been eating lunch and reviewing chapter notes for my next class when he appeared. "I see you've got Economics too. Brodemier?"   
  
I could only nod. He chuckled and I realized I was staring at him with my mouth gaping open. Closing it with a snap, I asked politely, "Do you have Brodemier at one on Tuesdays and Thursdays as well?"   
  
Shrugging, he squirted catsup on his fries. "Yeah, something like that. I might change it though. I've been looking at some of the engineering classes and they look interesting." He reached across my plate for the salt shaker. "You using this?" he asked, holding it up.   
  
"Uh... no," I answered trying not to blush. I couldn't believe how he was making me feel just by talking. "Engineering should be an interesting field of study, but it's quite a bit different than Political Science. Why change?"   
  
"Ah, I don't know if I will. I just like challenges, and so far, no challenge." He gave another casual shrug and bit into his hamburger. "So what's your area of study?" he asked around a mouthful.   
  
Trying not to be shocked at his table manners, I answered quietly, "International Business Law."   
  
He paused in shoving a fry in his mouth. "No shit?" I'd nodded and prodded my salad about on my plate, no longer interested in eating. "Why?"   
  
I used his line back at him. "I like challenges." And smiled.   
  
Duo swallowed at least before he smiled. "I think, my friend, this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship." And it was... for awhile.   
_  
  
Sighing softly, I tuned into the low murmurs Duo and Victor were making. It seemed they were discussing the merits of the comedy they were watching. Victor laughed at whatever Duo said, and I closed my eyes. It still bothered me at how easily he made friends, how effortlessly he charmed others, all without even trying.   
  
Those first few weeks were fantastic, full of adventure, excitement and all things wonderful. I secretly smiled, remembering the first time Duo had asked me on a date. He'd written me a note during our economics class asking me to go to the movies with him that night. When I nodded, he wrote he'd pick me up and to be ready by seven. I don't remember what we watched, only the thrill of sitting next to him in a darkened theater.   
  
Sometimes when I think about it, I believed he seduced me. Not callously or with any intent other than to get to know me, to be with me, but it was a seduction none the less. And then, I'd think of other times when maybe I was the seducer. I mean, I didn't normally act like I did when we first got together; I was not a wallflower and had never been shy in my life. But there were times around him, I would feel as though I could not be who I was and withheld a lot of the details friends share about themselves. Duo said he liked challenges, and maybe subconsciously I was trying to be intriguing for him.   
  
Our first kiss happened more as an accident than any deliberate attempt on either of our parts. We'd gone separately to some ridiculous freshman dance one of the school committees was holding. I hadn't wanted to go, really; I had wanted to get a jump on a project paper for my business admin class. But Duo pleaded for me to go, and I couldn't deny him. Someone had spiked the punch and the two of us drank enough to get pleasantly tipsy. The dance wasn't over, but Duo suggested we leave and with our arms linked, we managed to keep from staggering out to the campus commons.   
  
Once on the path and half way back to the dorms, Duo had stopped without my realizing it. Pulled off balance, I spun round and lost my footing, only to find myself crashing into and bouncing off of him. I fell backwards hitting the ground, and, with our arms still entwined, I pulled him down on top of me. Our foreheads cracked together even as our lips touched. It surprised both of us, at least for the moment. Duo reared back, a hint of fear and excitement in his eyes and I smiled more than aroused with the brief touch. He lowered his head, pressing his lips to mine, gently at first, increasing the pressure exploring my mouth with his tongue. I closed my eyes and let the intoxicating feelings he invoked surround me.   
  
Even to this day I can still remember every nuance of that kiss; from the sweet taste of the punch and the spicy tang of the rum to the way his fingers felt in my hair and the weight of his body pressed against mine. By the time he rolled off to lay by my side, I would have given him anything he asked of me. Though I felt a little hurt he didn't continue what I knew he wanted, after all I had felt every part of his body on mine, later I was slightly relieved he hadn't pushed for more that night. It was another two weeks before he even suggested kissing me again, let alone anything else.   
  
Before that night, I'd never even kissed a girl before, let alone a guy. The fact it was Duo didn't bother me, but not knowing what was happening to me did. I didn't expect to feel the way I did when I'd see him move a certain way or when he'd touch me, even some of the looks he'd give me would cause my face to flame thinking of the way it felt to have his body covering mine.   
  
Keeping my head lowered, I pretended to write but world civilizations was as lost to me as Atlantis. My throat was dry and my eyes burned; my body traitorous to my head and heart, it didn't help that I'd grown hard with just the memory of him. I shifted uncomfortably and forced a cough to cover any undo noise. Casting a surreptitious glance at the two, I saw neither paid the least bit of attention to me; they both were too engrossed in the movie. I wasn't entirely sure if I felt relieved or slighted.   


~


	2. As you were

****

As You Are   
By Merith   
  
Pairings: 2x4x2   
Rating: R   
Warnings: AU, Shonen Ai, yaoi, language, angst, hints of NCS   
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, its characters or its story line. But I do enjoy writing about them!   
A/N: Inspired by two separate conversations, this story became a challenge of sorts. Could I as an author, write a believable story with a pairing I didn't believe would work? Thanks to Arithion, CYT and Saro for letting me bounce scenes off them.   
  
To: Arithion, who believes, and to Saro, who could believe.   
  
  
**Part II: As you were**   
  
For the next few minutes, I studiously avoided distractive thinking, and made some progress into the required chapter. At one point, Duo announced he was headed down the hall to the vending machine for cokes; when he returned, he handed me a Crush with a self-conscious smile. I hadn't responded when he asked for requests and hadn't expected him to bring me anything, let alone a drink that brought back strong memories.   
  
"I thought you could use something," Duo said, shrugging in that casual way he had.   
  
"Thank you," I offered automatically.   
  
He opened his drink, and perched on the edge of my desk, glancing at my notes. "How's it going? Need any help?"   
  
Fussing with the soda can, I delayed in answering him. "I don't think there's anything you can do. It's just taking down information from the chapter and trying to commit dates and events to memory." I kept my eyes on the desk, fidgeting with my papers.   
  
Duo hesitated a moment, his hand reached for mine but he drew it back instead. I heard him inhale sharply and I raised my gaze to meet his. His eyes were troubled, and he opened his mouth to say something only to close it and give a small shake of his head.   
  
"Want to play a hand?" Victor called over. We both turned to see my roommate holding up a deck of cards in one hand and a pad and pencil in the other. I flashed him a grateful smile and he sent me an acknowledging wink.   
  
Already headed across the room, Duo blustered, "Just wait, buddy, I'm going to skin you alive. You might have won the last time we played but your luck has just run out."   
  
It was funny how even though he and I had split nearly two months before, Duo and Victor could pick up their friendly interactions as though nothing had happened. I wasn't sure if my roommate would have ever been Duo's friend if I hadn't been dating him; they didn't share any classes, and only met in the dorm commons in passing. But they both were alike in so many ways; they loved the same kinds of movies and had a mean competitive streak where games were concerned. There had been a time I wondered if Duo came to see Victor as much as he came to see me.   
  
Turning my attention back to the never ending chapter, I sipped from my can and enjoyed the sweet strawberry taste. It had been awhile since I drank a Crush; the last had been one of the few times we'd had fun together without fighting or hurting each other, just days before our break-up. It had been a warm day in late February, and we sat on the campus square retaining wall killing time after playing a game of basketball, watching the other students. Duo kept leaning over to kiss me, a little more frequently than he would normally in public, until I caught on - he was kissing me after I'd take a drink of my soda. He laughed and said he liked the taste of it on me.   
  
'Idiot!' I chastised myself, and set the Crush can on the far side of the desk. I turned back to my notes, and tried to block out thoughts of him. Quelling my remembrances was becoming harder. For every beautiful memory, every happy time we'd had together, there was an equally ugly and unpleasant one. Basic law of science, for every positive action there is an equally negative reaction. Our relationship proved this theory nearly every day for six months.   
  
I don't even remember exactly when things started to change, but I do remember the first time I thought I'd made a mistake in becoming involved with him. I spent almost three weeks, of the four weeks we had for winter break, vacationing with my family on the beaches of Cancun. I had invited Duo to come with me, begged him in fact, but he turned me down almost venomously. While I was there, I moped around half miserable and missing Duo terribly. I wanted nothing more but to return and be with him. So, I did.   
  
_Arriving late New Year's Eve night, I went straight to my room, planning to surprise Duo in the morning. The next day, I discovered there was a lot more to my boyfriend than I'd ever thought possible. I had used his spare key and crept across the dark room to his bed. Pulling the blankets back, I had been about to give him a proper welcome only to find two heads snuggled together. Stunned, I reeled back and tripped over something lying on the floor, landing hard on my butt.   
  
The woman sleeping next to Duo opened her eyes, blinking blearily at me. She yawned and sat up, sliding out from under his arm. "Who 'er you?" she slurred out.   
  
For some reason my head couldn't think, and I realized I had been doing a fish imitation, my mouth working with nothing coming out. "Quatre," I finally managed.   
  
She yawned wide-mouthed and stretched her arms above her head, the long loose sleeves of her shirt sliding down to bunch at her shoulders. Appearing a little more aware, she looked around the room and snorted. "Damn. Didn't mean to fall asleep." Her gaze settled on me and she asked, "You got a cigarette? I'm dying for a smoke."   
  
I could only shake my head. Gathering my wits and dignity, I stood and asked, "Who are you? What are you doing here?" I tried to not look at Duo but my eyes betrayed me anyway. His naked back was to me, his hair unbound and tossed wildly over the pillow. My heart sank.   
  
She must have seen something in my expression for she paused in pulling on her shoes to say, "Don't worry so much kid, you'll have a heart attack by the time you're twenty." Half crouched over trying to adjust a strap, the woman gave me a friendly smile. "If you're worrying about lover boy here, he'll be alright after he sleeps it off." She gave him a fond caress on a bared shoulder. "He kept talking about some kitty…" She peered at me. "Do you know who this Kitty is?"   
  
Again, I could only shake my head. What had happened while I was gone? What had Duo done?   
  
By this time, the woman had the door open ready to leave, her discarded coat in hand. "Well, anyway, tell him thanks for nothing and I'll see him later." She gave me another smile and, for a brief moment, I could see how pretty she must have been at one time. I gave her a wavering smile in return. "You're cute, kid. Hang onto that one. I've a feeling he's worth it." And then she was gone, shutting the door behind her and leaving me dazed and more than a little confused.   
  
Going to the bed, I touched his bare shoulder, wanting to see him, dreading to see him …now. I was surprised to see my hand shaking, and inside, I felt numb. "Duo?" I called out softly.   
  
He mumbled and rolled over, his eyes opening to bare slits. As if by instinct, his hand sought mine, hugging it to his chest with a single-minded need and pulling me down to kneel by his side. "Kitty… c'mere. Wanta' hold 'ya…" he muttered, a sleepy smile on his face.   
  
I nearly gagged from the smell rolling off him. Stale cigarette, strong drink, cheap perfume and dried sweat swirled in an invisible cloud added to my already off-kilter feeling. I jerked my hand free and stumbled back. "You're drunk!" I shouted in shock.   
  
"Shut the fuck up!" a voice roared from the other side of the room.   
  
Whirling, I spotted Duo's roommate propping himself up on an arm, glaring at me. "Sorry, Mill. I didn't know you were here," I whispered.   
  
He grunted and noticed that it was me standing there. A wicked grin on his face, he laughed. "Oh God, Maxwell is so going to be surprised." He looked over to Duo's bed. "Josie leave?"   
  
"Josie?" I asked swallowing the bile wanting to rise.   
  
"Yeah, the waitress from the club. Your boyfriend and her hit it off really well last night - I thought he'd get lucky." He laughed again, and flopped back down on his pillow.   
  
The world swam in slowly twisting black and gray light and I knew I had to get out of there. Feeling I was going to be sick if I stayed, I stumbled from the room, not realizing I didn't have my coat, not bothering to close the door, not paying attention to the slurred, sleep ridden voice calling out my name. I fled the dorms, out into the cold and snow.   
  
I have no idea where I walked, what I did or whom I talked with, I know I wound up sitting on our favorite bench at the park near campus. It overlooked a small pond, usually home to a family of ducks; they must have flown south. Not sure how long I'd been sitting there, blankly staring at the water rippling in the wind, and completely unaware of my surroundings, at least until his warm hand touched mine.   
  
"God, Quatre! You're freezing!" he cried out. I turned stiffly not even allowing it to register at first who it was sitting next to me. "Here…" Duo unwound his scarf and pulled off his coat.   
  
As if I didn't care, I let him dress me doll-like, my eyes fixed on his face while he worked. "Why?" My voice was low and cracked on that single word.   
  
His hands stilled and he dropped his gaze. "Ah, Quatre… shit." He finished zipping the coat and crossed his arms. "Let's go get a cup of coffee or something… get out of this cold." He wasn't meeting my eyes.   
  
"Why?" I asked again.   
  
"It isn't like that… nothing happened. Shit. I got drunk… I only got drunk." His voice drifted away.   
  
I stood pulling his coat off, the hidden anger surfaced in burning intensity. "You son-of-a-bitch!" I shouted in low fury. "How dare you!" Duo gaped at me, sliding back on the bench. "You …slept with some woman, and you dare try to tell me you were only drunk?" I threw the coat at him, and turned away.   
  
"Quatre! Wait!" He scrambled behind me. I hadn't waited but I wasn't walking fast either. He put his coat back around my shoulders, holding it in place with an arm. "Leave this on, damn it! You're freezing." He sounded pissed, and some part of me was pleased, at least I wasn't the only one.   
  
Shoving his arm off me, I stepped away from him. "Don't touch me."   
  
He held out his hands placatingly. "Okay, I won't touch you. Just listen, all right? Listen to me… and if you're still mad … well, shit… I don't know. You can hit me as much as you want." He flashed a quick grin._   
  
  
I hadn't wanted to listen to him; I had wanted to strike out, releasing my anger and pain, going against my fundamental pacifism. The residue anger from that day churned still in my stomach time and distance hadn't been able to completely erase, and I felt resentment at the loss of righteousness indignation to my bruised and hurting ego. But instead of retaliating, I allowed him to lead me to the coffee shop.   
  
He had explained the circumstances, and I knew he wasn't guilty of what I had believed. Stupidity, maybe, but not infidelity - he hadn't even come close.   
  
Sitting across from me, sipping on his drink, he told me how he'd missed me and had been very bored. To keep himself busy, and from driving his roommate crazy, he tagged along with Miller while the man tended bar. At first it worked out all right; Duo would help out some, he'd make a little money and end his boredom at the same time. But, the more he was there, the more he started to drink - to keep from thinking about me, he'd said. New Year's Eve night being no exception, he had gotten drunk. Miller had been his ride, and when his car wouldn't start, the waitress offered them a lift. Duo told me how he barely remembered her helping Miller carry him up to their room but could offer no idea on how she wound up in his bed; he had no memory of it.   
  
It was over a week later I remembered to ask about Kitty, and after demanding he tell or I would leave, he did, grudgingly. I sometimes wished I hadn't insisted. Duo explained that Kitty was his pet name for me, one he used when thinking of me with affection. And one he never thought anyone would find out about - let alone me.   
  
  
"Gin!" Duo called out in glee, drawing my attention. I shifted in my seat to watch the two for a moment, some part of me wishing the past could just erase itself, and what had happened hadn't.   
  
Victor took Duo's ribbing as he always had, giving him back as good as he got. Duo crowed when the score was read out, and he turned a flashing grin to me. A painful reminder of days past, when the three of us would study together or the four when Vic's girlfriend would drop by, and we'd end up playing games or watching movies. It'd been a long time. Duo's grin faltered and I dropped my gaze back to my book. I didn't want the emotions evoked from memories pushed off on him; I wouldn't doubt he was fighting his own demons.   
  
  
::If all men were good, this precept would not be good; but since men are evil and will not keep their word with you, you shouldn't keep yours to them.:: ¹   
  
Reading the same line over from my text again, the low murmuring curl in my gut roiled and I dashed from my chair to the washroom quickly. I leaned against the closed door, willing my stomach to settle. Stumbling to the sink, I splashed cold water on my face, and looked at my reflection in the mirror.   
  
Duo claimed to never lie, and technically he never had; though he had no qualms about twisting the truth to fit his needs. The promises he made to me, they were as red flags to a bull - a challenge issued to the basic desire in him to walk just this side of honesty without stepping over the boundary line. He'd explained it to me once during the days when I never thought he'd use it on me. A dodge, he called it. Using half-truths and words to keep it honest enough the mark didn't know what you were up to. Keep 'em confused, he'd said.   
  
Well, he kept me confused for a long time. There were several incidences leading up to our final split, the rumors, the dodges, his behavior, and not the least, his drinking. The worst was the drinking, for I believe it's what lead him to change and become the person who brought out the behavior so appalling to me.   
  
Our second semester had started, and another freshman gathering was held at the campus community center. Duo and I went, to do something, to get away from our rooms. While we'd made up, I couldn't say my trust in him was complete. I still felt wary and raw at the edges around him. It was at this get-together that I heard the rumors in full force, and what brought the worst out in me. I don't think the girls knew who I was when they spoke of Duo, but I'd learned more than an earful of what gossip circulated about him and what he'd done while I was gone.   
  
  
_Walking back to the dorms across the snow-dusted grounds, I was quiet, thinking on how to approach him with what I'd heard. Duo sauntered at my side, making thumping sounds, arms bent as he played air drums. We were within sight of our building when I roused myself enough to speak.   
  
"Duo," I'd said, drawing his attention. He glanced at me, not stopping his antics. "Are we a couple? I mean, do you consider us a couple?"   
  
That stopped his playing. "What? Why are you asking that?"   
  
I'd stopped walking and grabbed his sleeve to pull him around to face me. "I'm serious, Duo. I want to know what you think. Do you think of us as one?"   
  
He looked upset and embarrassed. His gaze on the ground, he scuffed it before replying, "Shit Quatre, ... why?" He raised his eyes to meet mine. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess I consider us a couple. I mean, we're together, right?" His expression wasn't one of a fond lover.   
  
My eyes never left his as I asked deadly soft, "Then could you tell me what is your definition of a couple? I'd really like to know." He looked bewildered, confused. "Even though I've never been part of a couple before, I'd always understood a couple as being two people committed to one another. So, tell me Duo ... what is your definition of a couple?" I knew he couldn't mistake the anger in my voice.   
  
With his eyes flashing, he demanded, "What the fuck are you talking about, Quatre? What's with all these questions all of a sudden?"   
  
"I've heard something very interesting tonight, and I would like to know how much of a couple we really are to you. Since it seems you believe it's all right to go out with other people - to the bar, to eat, to the movies, and even to play pool. So, tell me, I'd really like to know."   
  
The temperature outside was in the low thirties, but between the two of us, the air froze and the ground melted.   
  
Finally exploding with an expletive, Duo twisted from my grasp, heading towards the dorms. "Fuck this shit. It's not worth it. I don't owe you anything. Just forget the whole frickin' mess."   
  
I grabbed his arm. "No! We're not just forgetting this 'whole frickin' mess', we're going to talk about it. And then if you want out, you can leave." Duo was clenching his jaws so tightly together, I thought he'd break teeth. Leaning closer to his face, daring him to do more than glare, I told him, "For your information, you do owe me something. You owe me an explanation as to why you think it's not worth it. Why you think we're not worth it."   
  
Duo worked his jaw some more before he looked away. Reluctantly, he began to speak, his words short and blunt, spoken in the choppiness of anger. "All right, hell. While you were gone. There was this guy, Mark. He's in my government class, and well, we ran into each other at lunch one day. We hit it off and I found out he's wanted to see the same movie I did." He glanced at me scowling. "Ya know, the one you didn't want to see? So, we went to the movies, and then caught a game of pool afterwards. But that was it. We weren't on no date or anything... he's just a friend."   
  
"And the bar? From what I heard, he was a constant figure at the bar while you were there," I reminded him softly.   
  
Rubbing the back of his head, Duo seemed to be thinking. "I don't know, Quatre. Hell, half the time I was there I was drunk. I don't remember everyone hanging out." His eyes narrowed. "Besides, he knows a lot of people, some even worked there. He wasn't at the club to see me."   
  
I nodded, not sure where to go, or how to continue. His explanation felt wrong but I couldn't say where or how. "You... do you really think we're not worth it, then?"   
  
"Shit, when you act like that, no I don't. You getting all jealous and crap. I don't need that shit." He gestured wildly. "It's like, what? I can't have any friends because I'm fucking you?"   
  
There were times when his vulgarity was amusing, and there was now. "Right," I stated, feeling the bitter cold wash over me. Turning from him, I began a fast walk to the dorms, so angry I was shaking. I'd never wanted to hit someone more in my life than I did him at that moment.   
  
"Wait a God-damn minute!" he shouted causing others in the area to do more than stare at us in curiosity. His hand clamped down on my shoulder, spinning me around. "You told me I owed you an explanation... so now you. What gives you the right to call judgement on me? Why are you attacking my character like this? I've never lied to you, Quatre. I'm not out fucking anyone else, and I don't want to. It's always been you." He looked as if he'd startled himself out of his anger for a moment. I know he startled me; I could only gawk at him as he continued to speak.   
  
"From the start, I tried to be who you wanted me to be. I watched my language because you didn't like it. I wore clothes I wouldn't normally wear because you liked the way they looked. I fuckin' did things I'd never would have done but for you. It's always been for you, Quatre - always." He raked a hand through his bangs and looked up to the starless sky. I could see him blink more than once. He continued to speak, softly this time, a bare whisper, "There were days I didn't even know myself any more. Sometimes I'd make myself sick at who I was; who I was pretending to be. And to me it was worth it, because you were there. You were so... fuck, I don't know. But you were worth it." He blinked again and swallowed hard. Glaring at me, he nearly yelled, "But fuck you if that's not good enough for you. Just go running to daddy and tell him to buy you a new boyfriend 'cause I've had it!"   
  
The only thing I could think of doing I did; my arms went around his waist and I hugged him. I could feel him shaking, with anger, with disappointment, or some other emotion I wasn't sure. "I'm sorry," I whispered into his jacket pressing myself closer. "I didn't know. I didn't understand." I felt his body relax as he exhaled, and he returned my embrace._   
  
  
  
"Quatre?" Duo's voice came hesitantly through my remembrance. "You okay, man?"   
  
Coming to the present with a start, I realized the water had been running in the sink for some time. "I'm fine, Duo," I called out, shutting off the facet and drying my hands.   
  
"Well, all right, but holler if you need anything, k?" I could almost feel his presence, his hand upon the wood of the door.   
  
"Sure," I managed around the lump in my throat. Damn him. I hated that he cared, still. I hated that I was glad he cared. But mostly, I hated that I still cared.   
  
When I felt I could face the both of them without revealing the battle waging inside my head, I left the bathroom. Duo waited by my desk, a chilled bottle of water in his hand. He opened it before passing it to me, eyes dark with worry he didn't express aloud. I took a drink and gave him a small smile. Something passed between us, then, for he released a sigh and the tension I'd seen tightening his shoulders relaxed.   
  
"Okay," he said in a low tone. "I'm going to finish kicking Vic's ass, and then maybe we can go grab some dinner?" He raised a brow at the last words, making it more of a question.   
  
I nodded. "I should be done in a few more minutes. Then we could ... have dinner."   
  
His hand touched mine briefly before he went to join my roommate on the floor. I watched them play for a moment, watched Victor's hands shuffle the cards like they'd been made for them. The semi-drama of the afternoon seemed to have passed as he dealt, and Duo tossed out a caustic comment about cheaters and underhanded dealing.   
  
World Civilizations called; my textbook and notes awaited. Taking a seat, I grimaced. I decided to not deal with Machiavelli.   
  
Two pages later, I found myself staring transfixed out the window. Through its partly opened pane, I could smell the early blossoms of spring. And that triggered another memory.   
  
Just another one of those incidences that lead up to our demise, the end of our friendship. To be fair, it had been partly my fault. If I hadn't insisted on his going, if I'd been stronger, it never would have happened. Though even if it hadn't occurred, our relationship was still doomed; the Event drove the wedge more firmly between us.   
  
After our argument, Duo'd promised and kept his word, more or less, to not drink around me. I'd told him I wouldn't listen to the rumors and would trust him at his word. It'd been an uneasy truce, but for the most part, the times we spent together after that were good ones, happy ones.   
  
At the beginning of February, my father asked that I attend a benefit on his behalf and sent me two tickets - encouraging me to bring my friend. Though my family did not live anywhere close to the university, nor its sponsoring city, Father felt it his civic duty to support some of the area's community charities where his children lived. He'd planned to attend the function with my sister Iria, and combine a visit with me in the process. A hitch in a pending merger and an unexpected meeting caused him to change plans.   
  
Duo had refused to go with me, saying he wasn't listening to any high society bullshit and wearing a monkey suit. I didn't blame him, I didn't want to go myself but felt it my duty - for my father. The one thing about Duo, though, if I asked in the right way, he couldn't say no. And, later in my room, I asked him in the right way. We only had two days to alter one of my tuxes to fit him.   
  
The evening of the Event, Duo'd showed up at my door, freshly showered and ready for me to help him dress. It'd been fun, and we almost didn't - get dressed that is. He was in high spirits, a cagey nervousness he often wore when faced with uncertain situations. Watching him from across the room that night, I could see him shine; no one was brighter.   
  
Being a charity benefit, the reception was a high priced nosh and wine mixed with the usual politics, business, society page and high finance. When he found out the charity was to benefit an inner-city youth program, Duo introduced himself to the program sponsors, and wound up discussing the details in depth with the group. He put his charm to the test in making suggestions on changes he felt were needed rather than the goals already set. The fact that he had been a youth growing up in such programs leant more credibility to his words than any other means.   
  
As the night waned, Duo appeared to be in his element. He meandered from one congregating group to another, chatting and laughing, regaling them with stories from his childhood. I'd heard some of them before and knew others he wouldn't share here. Seeing him mingle with the glittering facade the majority of those wore, I felt an overwhelming sense to protect him. He was a Centaurea cyanus amongst the cultivated roses, beautiful and wild. Duo didn't belong with them, and like the Bachelor Button I compared him to, he could wither and die if transplanted from his native soil.   
  
With the gloom of my thoughts hounding me, I made my way out of the main room to the balcony, seeking air and quiet. Duo found me there a few minutes later, still on a natural high born of self-confidence and ego. He seized my hand, and led me away from the crowded rooms. Telling me he'd stumbled upon it seeking a lavatory, he pulled me into a janitor's closet, making sure no one watched.   
  
Remembering back to that time, my cheeks flushed hotly and I flashed a peek at Duo. He'd been so insistent that night, too full of his victory with the charity group and his skill at working the crowd he didn't stop to listen to me. I'd let him get carried away in kissing me; they were like wine and flooded my senses. It wasn't until his hand slipped into my pants, and he fondled me, that I had an inkling at what he wanted. He'd never been so forward in public, even if we were hidden from view, and the intensity of his need unsettled me.   
  
He stilled my protests with more kisses, and in no time I found myself pushed up against the rough wall with my pants down around my ankles, his hands gripping my hips tightly. It was over in moments, the smell of cleanser and ammonia clogging my nostrils. A kiss to the side of my neck, a breathy "see you soon," and he was gone. I'd been left alone to pull myself together, to clean the mess I'd become.   
  
Even now I couldn't completely blame him; I should have been stronger and insisted he stop. I shouldn't have let him get as carried away as he had, as I had. As it was, I stayed in the closet for as long as I dared, using the cheap towels and water from the mop sink to scrub at myself. I'd been weak and allowed the one person I cared about a good deal to use me in a way I never should have. He never even noticed that I hadn't returned to the reception; when I felt it time to leave, I hovered about the hallway until he made an appearance.   
  
It all still might have worked out, him and I, if it hadn't been for the drinking. Duo did keep his promise, he didn't drink much in front of me, and he never got drunk while I was around. But I wasn't around him all the time. The nights I stayed in my room studying or working on assignments, he started going to the club with his roommate, and usually came home near to passing out. When I'd protest at the amount he was consuming, he would usually turn the tables on me, becoming angry and telling me he wasn't screwing anyone and he wasn't drinking in front of me - that it was his business.   
  
I backed off, at least until he stopped showing up for his morning classes. The first couple of times it happened, Duo had brushed it off, telling me it was only World Politics, and I always shared notes with him anyway. When he missed his third morning class in a week, I confronted him again. He swore to cut back, that he wouldn't drink as much any more, and promised to not miss class again if he could help it.   
  
A week later, I found him in his dorm bathroom, passed out on the floor laying in a puddle of vomit and urine.   
  
He barely woke while I cleaned him up, dressed him and put him to bed. His awareness had been just enough for me to get him there. I sat at his bedside for a couple of hours, staring at him, wondering what my next move should be. Technically he hadn't broken his promise, but to drink enough to put him out like he'd been, and it looked as though he'd been laying there for quite some time, I was worried he was becoming an alcoholic.   
  
It was then that I'd remembered Heero, Duo's childhood friend who knew all there was to know about him - the one who told me of my new boyfriend's first experience with a wet dream. They had been that close. Needing to talk to someone who cared for Duo as much as I did, I didn't hesitate to search through his desk to find a number to call.   
  
On the second ring, Trowa picked up. I'd only met the two once, when they stopped on their way to California the previous fall. Both were older than Duo by a couple of years, and both were like brothers to him. I had thought Heero would have been the best one to talk with, and after finding out he was working, I nearly hung up. As though he sensed my anxiety, Trowa drew out the events leading up to my call - the ones having to do with Duo's drinking.   
  
After telling him the tale, I waited for his verdict. When he did offer advice, at first he wanted to know how committed I was, and then told me I had two choices: get out now and save my sanity, or at least know where I needed to draw my own personal boundary and stick to it. He told me an abbreviated history of his childhood and of his alcoholic parents; he told me that I couldn't let Duo's actions ruin my life. I was beginning to think he wanted me to leave his friend stranded, and then he started to tell me what would be required of me if I wanted to help Duo.   
  
Trowa didn't believe he'd become an alcoholic - at least not yet. If left on his own, most likely he'd work this drinking phase out of his system. But, like me, Trowa was concerned Duo would fall too far behind in school work and lose his scholarship. He gave me a few ideas and ways to approach certain situations. We ended the call after he told me to take care of myself, and not let our relationship destroy my future.   
  
Later that day, when Duo recovered, we talked. It had scared him, I think, to discover he'd passed out to the extent he lost bodily control. The idea he could have choked and died on his own vomit gave him more than a pause. We spent the rest of that day and the next sorting through his pile of course work yet to be completed. I helped him with organizing his notes and setting up a schedule to have all work turned in. We started studying together every night.   
  
For a few brief weeks, life was back on track, and Duo caught up with his classes. Our relationship felt as it had in the early days - as though we were discovering each other all over again. Between classes and studying, we shared games of basketball and strawberry Crush kisses. Duo had become a third resident to mine and Victor's room at least four nights a week. And I'd never been happier.   
  
I'd gotten into the habit of having breakfast with Duo in the morning, especially if he'd spent the night. There were times when one of us had been running late, and breakfast was skipped, so it didn't cause alarm when he didn't appear. And since I knew he'd been up late the night before studying for the Economics test that afternoon, I wasn't worried he missed our morning class together.   
  
When he didn't show up for that test, I became anxious. Because of my distraction, I know I didn't do well, and that added to my anxiety. I tried not to think of what could have kept Duo away; I tried to believe he hadn't gotten drunk again.   
  
_No one answered my knock but I found his dorm room was unlocked. Entering, I wasn't surprised to find Duo asleep, half-undressed with his boots still on. I fought the wave of disappointment washing over me, and tried to remember what Trowa had said, what I'd read about alcoholism from the pamphlets left around campus.   
  
Duo woke when I called out to him, and sheepishly rubbed at his face. "Guess I tied one on last night, huh?"   
  
"I guess you did," I answered calmly. "You missed class, and the test."   
  
He closed his eyes and moaned, throwing an arm over his eyes. "Oh God... the test. I forgot." Peering around his arm, he asked, "I can have your notes from morning class, though, right?"   
  
I couldn't speak for a moment. I didn't know what was stronger, my disgust or anger. "Why did you do it, Duo? What is it this time?"   
  
"Ah, Quatre, shit," he groaned and held his head. "My friggin' head hurts. Can we talk about this later?" He'd sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, and appeared to be pushing the sides of his skull together.   
  
I handed him the aspirin bottle and a cup of water. "No, we're going to talk about it now." I squatted down in front of him as he swallowed the water with three or four pills. "I'm not going to say a word about your broken promises, but I will tell you this is it. I'm not helping you any longer. You can fail on your own time, and stop wasting mine."   
  
He blinked at me owlishly before scrunching his face up in anger. "What the fuck are you rambling about now? When did I ever waste your time? And who asked for your help? I don't need it!"   
  
Nodding, I rose. "Since you don't need my help, I'll leave then." I'd only taken a couple steps when he stumbled after me.   
  
"Ah, Quatre, fuck. I didn't mean it. Come on... my head hurts."   
  
"You should have thought of that before you started drinking." I'd turned to look at him.   
  
Duo drew in a deep breath and winced, holding his head. "Yeah, well, I should have. Fucking Miller... he wouldn't leave me alone. I couldn't study, I couldn't get anything done. He wanted to go out." At least he had the decency to not look at me. "He kept calling me names and shit. You know how he is."   
  
"You can't be telling me you let that moron bully you into drinking again?" Duo could only nod. I sighed, exasperated. "Christ, Duo. Did he force you to drink? Did he force you to keep drinking? Because where I'm standing, you are the only one responsible."   
  
"Well, fuck you, Quatre! You don't know shit about what you're talking about!" he yelled in a flash of anger. "Just get the fuck out before my brain explodes." He'd bent over, holding the sides of his head in agony.   
  
I'd made it to the stairwell before he caught me. He hadn't put on a shirt and didn't pay any attention to the stares he was receiving as the other residents passed us.   
  
"Wait, Quatre. Hell," he called and reached for my arm. "Fuck, I'm sorry, okay. I just can't deal with this right now. Can we talk later? Please?" His eyes were bloodshot and I could smell the stench of the booze oozing from his pores.   
  
"I don't think we have anything more to talk about, Duo. You've made it clear by your words and actions you don't need me." Duo flinched as if I'd slapped him. "I thought you were stronger than that. I cannot believe you'd allow yourself to fall back down that hole you were in because some jerk called you a couple of names." His eyes started to flash in anger. "When you grow up, we'll talk then. But until that happens, I don't want anything to do with you." I turned and started down the stairs.   
  
"Well, fuck you too, Mister Fuckin' Quatre Winner! See if I care. I don't give a shit what you think!" My steps faltered but I kept walking as he continued to yell epithets at me._   
  
  
I made certain to not see him again to the extent of changing my daily routine. The only times we met were in shared classes, and I'd exchanged seats with another student in both.   


~  
  
¹ Niccolò Machiavelli: The Prince (1532 CE)   



	3. As I want you to be

As You Are   
By Merith   
  
Pairings: 2x4x2   
Rating: R   
Warnings: AU, Shonen Ai, yaoi, language, angst, hints of NCS   
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, its characters or its story line. But I do enjoy writing about them!   
A/N: Inspired by two separate conversations, this story became a challenge of sorts. Could I as an author, write a believable story with a pairing I didn't believe would work? Thanks to Mereilla and Saro for all their help, and CYT for letting me bounce a couple ideas off her.   
  
To: Arithion, who believes, and to Saro, who could believe.   
  
~   
  
_Come   
As you are   
As you were   
As I want you to be   
As a friend   
As a friend   
As a known memory_   
'Come as You Are' - Nirvana 

~

Part III: As I want you to be

When Victor stood and announced he was headed for dinner and then to his girlfriend's, I looked around in surprise. He paused long enough to invite Duo to eat with him, saying I seemed to be taking too long with my studying. Duo waved him off with a laugh and once the door closed, he drifted my way.

"Not that I want to bother you, but how much longer?" he asked sitting on my bed, tilting his head to the side.

I made a show of pretense and flipped through a couple of pages. "Not much. About three or four more pages." I glanced quickly at him, still a little unnerved at the strength of my memories. "Are you sure you want to stick around here waiting for me?"

He nodded his face solemn. "Yeah, Quat, I want to wait here... unless you don't want me to?" 

Flinching internally at the forlorn sound of his tone, I shook my head. "It's okay, really. But you might..." I hesitated. "You should go eat. The dining hall might close before I'm finished."

"Nah, I'm not really hungry." His face brightened, and he asked suddenly, "How about I run over, get us both something and bring it back here?" Seeing my hesitation, he rushed on, "You need to eat too." His expression softened. "It'd be sort of like how we used to do."

It didn't seem right that he could still get me to agree to something I wouldn't normally with just a look. At my nod, he nearly flew from the room, slamming the door behind him. Wincing, I remembered that too had been commonplace. I knew my irritation was false; Duo's actions simply replicated how he'd always been, and that made me happy for the first time since he'd walked through the door.

My reaction bothered me. Duo had acted as he always had. Had I?

The question demanded an answer, and I drifted away from my desk, from the last few pages of the text. I stood before the single shelf of books over my bed and took down the photo. My vision faded. Victor's wind up alarm clock ticked loud, echoing the blood thrumming in my ears; the grayness coalesced and dissipated. I'd remembered when the picture had been taken. Bittersweet, now, it'd been the first time I'd told him I loved him. It wasn't either of our expressions I was interested in, it was Duo's clothing. I'd made him change for the party.

Clipped audio-memories swirled and I dropped the photo. Closing my eyes, I fought a sudden painful grip clutching my stomach. The sound bytes were all in my voice. Nearly all said the same thing. There hadn't been a week that I hadn't made some comment, given a look, offered suggestions, and even bought clothing for Duo. I'd been changing his outward appearance with every action, reaction and word. I hadn't accepted him how he was. 

I'd spent the past two hours dredging up Duo's abhorrent behavior leading to our break up. But as for my own, I'd turned a blind eye. Dropping to sit on the mattress, I began to scrutinize my own conduct.

Duo's very manner and way of being drew me to him from the start. I couldn't help watching him in class, in the dorms, at the cafeteria. It'd been his smile, the one that hinted at a joke in the making. It'd been the swish of his braid as he walked. It'd been the sound of his voice arguing some irrelevant point or raised in humorous wit at some hapless target. It'd been the open and easy way about him I fell in love with. All of it, I'd tried to change.

First it had been the way he dressed. From the beginning, I'd thought he had a limited number of clothes, and said nothing. Duo'd been very forthcoming in telling me he'd been an orphan, attending the university on a full scholarship. During a trip to the mall, I discovered he liked, and purposely bought, all black, mostly loose shirts and tight jeans. I cajoled him into trying alternate colors, and told him he looked great in purple.

And then it'd been table manners. We'd been at lunch with a few people I knew slightly from my father's connections; we knew the same people and ran in the same circles. Duo being Duo, talked around the food in his mouth, reached across the table, used his hand instead of a napkin, and hadn't realized he'd been doing it. I wanted these people enthralled with him, to know that I didn't need to have my companion chosen for me. And I wanted them to see how beautiful, charming and sophisticated he was. Instead, I fussed, handing him a napkin, apologized for his rudeness, and hissed in whisper to keep his mouth closed while eating. I'd been too embarrassed to see he'd been upset as he stood abruptly to leave and announced with a laugh he'd be returning to steerage. 

Thinking of it now, I cringed at how insensitive I'd been. And recalled that I'd been surprised when one of my guest stated how witty Duo was and another believed him above charming. I had been the one to sacrifice him for mere acquaintances. 

From the moment of our first meeting, Duo's language had bothered me. Rarely exposed to course or crude talk, I often found myself in a constant state of embarrassment; nearly every sentence Duo uttered held a curse or sexual innuendo. Over the months of asking, pleading, and giving discouraging looks, his vocabulary changed. By the time we'd split up, Duo would only swear when provoked. Though the suggestive language never stopped. There'd been some things I could live with.

I wasn't sure how long I'd sat there, but the shuffling in the hall brought me out of the daze I'd sunk into. Hurriedly I shoved the picture back where it belonged and headed for the door to lend a hand. Duo cradled bottles of water with an arm tight against his body, and food bags in each hand. Rescuing a bag and the water, I led the way to my desk.

Duo had brought back one of my favorites, a chicken sandwich and tossed salad. We fell into an old routine, as though the past few weeks hadn't happened, perched on my bed with his back braced against the wall, me at the desk and both of us talking about classes, other students, faculty and assignments. I picked at my sandwich, uneasy and no longer hungry. I noticed Duo's appetite hadn't been affected, his was nearly gone when he scooted forward. 

"Not hungry?" He indicated my untouched salad and barely nibbled on sandwich. 

Shaking my head, I offered it to him. "Not really. You can have it."

He grinned, picking up the sandwich. "So what's with these?" He held my gaze for a moment longer before shifting to one of my textbooks on the desk. "Physics? Since when do business majors need physics?" I could tell he was making conversation more than from interest.

"It sounded interesting, challenging." I shrugged. His grin was fleeting, ghosting over his face even as it died. "I had given some thought to changing my major." I added, wishing I could say something, anything to bring back those happy looks he used to give.

Duo grunted softly, and took a bite of the sandwich. He picked up my book and began to leave through its pages. "Why physics?" he asked, after swallowing.

"Why not? The natural sciences are always a good study." He sniffed and flipped a page. "How much do I owe you?" I reached for my wallet.

"Don't worry about it," he responded absently. My sandwich had disappeared. "I've plenty of money now to buy you dinner every once in awhile." He flicked a glance my way and grinned easily despite the edge in his voice.

I watched him scan the text, uncertain. A couple of months ago, he wouldn't have said that line without overriding anger. What had seemed like a good deed, a gesture of friendship and more, had blown up in my face. Even now I found my cheeks burning with shame. 

  


_"Quatre!" Duo's shout could be heard from the stairwell down the hall. I'd jumped from my seat and was half way across the floor when he threw the door open. "Quatre!" he yelled again, slamming the rebounding door shut behind him._

_"Duo?" My eyes went from the papers he held to his face. "Duo, what is it?" _

_Without saying anything further, his expression livid, his eyes nearly black, he shoved one of the fisted papers into my hand. I'd taken the paper automatically, without looking at it._

_"Wha...?" I gaped at him._

_Interrupting abruptly, he demanded, "Do you know what that is?"_

_Reading the first couple of sentences, I began to smile. "Congratulations, Duo! You did it! You got the grant!" I stepped forward to hug him only to falter when he moved out of the way._

_"I didn't!" His shout rebounded off the walls. "I always knew you were a spoiled fucking rich kid, but never thought you'd do something like this!" _

_I jerked back away from him. "But... the letter..." I ventured. Then it hit me what else he'd said. "What?" I demanded shrilly, shocked by his words. _

_He shoved the other letter in my face. "This one I got yesterday telling me I didn't qualify. Today I got that one telling me I did." He glared at me, his breath coming in raging gasps. "So you tell me Mister Winner, how is it that the fifth place participant wins a grant that should be given to the top three?" his voice rose to a shout._

_A knock on the door with a hesitant, "Quatre?" saved me from answering._

_Without breaking his glare at me, Duo yelled over his shoulder, "Get the fuck away from the door!"_

_"Quatre? You all right?" the voice asked more insistent._

_"It's okay Paul. I'm fine." I called out, returning Duo's glare. _

_"Answer the fucking question!" Duo ground out the words, clipping each off as it left his mouth, "Did. You. Have. Anything. To. Do. With. This?"_

_Knowing my anger would be useless in the force of his, I let it go for the moment. "I knew you wanted the grant. I helped you fill out the forms," I hedged, not sure why he was so upset._

_"Cut the bullshit Quatre! Just answer the fucking question! Did you have anything to do with this?" He shook the other letter in his hand between us._

_"I-" hesitating for a moment only, Duo turned from me cursing. "Duo, wait!" I called out._

_Spinning around, his hand snatched the letter from mine and crumpled both into a ball. "This is a worthless piece of shit!" He flung it at me, hitting me in the chest. "I am this close to hitting something," he growled in my face. "And right now, I don't fucking care what - or who." I stepped back, for the first time feeling a little more than nervous. His eyes jumped and snapped at my movement. "Fuck!" he shouted again. "You have no fucking clue, do you?" he demanded from me. I flinched and shook my head slowly. "Why the hell did you think I'd want this? Want you to fucking fix everything for me?" He began pacing the room. "Can you even tell me that?" _

_"Winner EIC sponsors several grants and scholarships every year. I simply mentioned to dad how..." I faltered. Duo had stopped to stare at me, his eyes grew wide and his chest expanded as he continued to suck in air. "I thought it's what you wanted, Duo." I ended quietly._

_"Not fucking like that!" He whirled and punched the wall next to the door. I jumped and found I'd backed into my desk. _

_Running feet sounded in the hall and the door opened. "Everything okay?" Paul stood looking between the two of us._

_Duo glared and stepped forward. "I fucking told you to get away from the door. Now leave!"_

_Paul drew back and frowned. "Chill the fuck down, Duo." His glance shot over to me. "Quatre?" His eyes offered more than a mere word._

_I shook my head. "Everything's fine, Paul. Duo and I are having an argument."_

_His eyes flicked between Duo, the wall, and me. Duo's fist indented and left a wide crack on the wall. "You sure?"_

_Resisting the urge to sigh, I nodded. "I'm sure." _

_He paused for a moment, frowning at Duo. "I'll be next door. Just holler if you need anything."_

_Duo growled his hands fisted at his sides. "What's that supposed to mean, asshole?"_

_Paul started to answer. "Duo!" I spoke sharply, drawing both of their attention. "Your anger is with me." Duo blew out an explosion of air before turning away to face the wall. "Please leave us, Paul." Duo snorted derisively. Paul nodded and, shooting one last glance at Duo's back, he left. _

_Squaring my shoulders and pulling myself up straight, I faced him, ready for whatever he had to throw my way. "Now Duo, you're going to have to explain to me why you're so upset. I was only trying to help you."_

_Duo braced himself against the wall, his back shuddered as he drew breath. "Is it always going to be like this, Quatre? Will you continue to interfere in my life?" his voice deceptively quiet._

_"I wouldn't call it interference, Duo. I did what I thought you wanted."_

_He shook his head, and I watch as his braid slipped from his shoulder to swing loosely. "You don't understand, do you? How could you... you've been given everything, have everything." He exhaled loudly. "I guess I can't expect it." His voice sounded defeated, flat suddenly. _

_"Duo," I approached him, my hand reaching for him._

_He swung away wildly, out of my range. "No! Don't touch me... not now." His face haggard, his eyes red-rimmed and over-bright. "What about the others? The other participants... the ones who really qualified? Did someone lose their grant?"_

_I shook my head mutely. His shoulders sagged. "Dad increased the number of grants this year to five." I stated quietly. "Duo," I began, trying to understand the reason for his anger. "You wanted the grant. You deserve the grant - your grades, your willingness to work in your chosen field reflect that, and you certainly met the application criteria. I don't understand."_

_Duo clenched his jaw. "I don't want your charity."_

_Frowning, my brows drew together in puzzlement. "It isn't charity. It's like your scholarship..."_

_"It's nothing like it!" he hissed, anger building again. "I worked fucking hard for that scholarship! Christ, Quatre! Do you even know what it takes to get one? Do you have any idea?" I had to shake my head. He stared at me for a moment. "I can't do this. I can't ..." He ran a hand through his bangs and ducked his head. "I've got to get out of here."_

_As he headed for the door, I called out, "Duo, please..."_

_He stopped. His hand on the knob, he said without turning around, "I need some time, Quatre. I just ... time. Just give me some time." And he left. _

_The soft snick of the door closing, the abrupt silence was incongruous with the shouts just moments ago. The inane thought that I'd have to inform dad that Duo most likely wouldn't be taking the summer internship ran through my mind as I picked up his letters and smoothed them out on my desk. _

  


It'd taken him nearly a week to calm down enough to talk to me. A few more days had passed before he would answer my questions on why he believed the scholarship different from the grant. And then I felt as though he was reciting someone else's life, as though he hadn't been part of it. In a detached, uninterested voice, he told me what he had to do to earn the scholarship. How he had to work, doing his time by volunteering, playing the junior political circuit, writing his congressman, doing a lot of extra curricular activities... all while working a part time job, helping out at the boy's home, and maintaining a four point oh GPA_. _

When he spoke of never having anything of his own, how everything he had had been seconds, castoffs, or from some generous benefactor to the home, the hurt I'd caused him palatable between us. In earning his scholarship and going to the university, Duo'd begun to find a sense of self-worth, begun to take ownership of his life. To go from having nothing to earning everything for himself had given him what he needed to excel. I got the impression he felt my tampering had somehow emasculated him.

"Earth to Quatre... you in there?" Duo waved his hand in front of my face.

Blinking, I tried to get my bearings. Remnants of the memory still fresh I ached for what I'd done. In consternation, I focused on Duo. "What did I do? Duo, how..." His fingers touched my lips, closing my mouth.

"Not now," he told me softly. In his eyes I saw a certain tenderness, a knowledge that hadn't been there before. His fingers ghosted over my cheek, like he used to when he'd cup my jaw line. He stopped, and started to move his hand away. Catching it, I held it to my face for a moment.

"There's so much I want to say." He only nodded, and slipped his hand out of mine.

Sitting back, he gestured to the text still open on my desk. "I think you have a few more pages to get through first."

I barely spared the book a glance. "But I thought you wanted to talk."

He nodded. "I do, after you finish. I want to talk without distractions, without you needing to finish something." He smiled warmly. "I'll just grab that book and wait. Okay?"

"Okay, I guess." I felt lost, disconnected from him, from myself. His hand squeezed my shoulder and I looked at it, tracked it back to his face as he hooked a strand of hair behind an ear. 

Duo raised his brows, a grin playing about his lips. "Study. Notes." He tapped the book with his other hand, and I nodded dumbly, reaching for my discarded pen.

To concentrate on reading was impossible, let alone to take notes. I let my gaze wander out the window, vaguely aware of Duo's movements as he selected a book, laid down on my bed, and began to read. The sounds of other students crossing the quad drifted through the open window. Discussions of a party were held on the sidewalk below; their talk consisted of drinking and who would be there.

A sudden thought formed, and I frowned. "Duo," I turned in my seat. "Is what Miller said last week true?"

He squinted up at me, puzzled. "What part? The drinking or getting laid?"

I had dismissed the other portion of Miller's harassment. "The drinking."

"Both are true," he supplied, amused at my flushing. A moment passed before he told me quietly, "Trowa told me you'd called him. Told me what he'd told you to do." He made a face, his lips curled wryly. "Threatened to kick my ass if I ever did anything like that again. He even threatened to turn Heero loose on me." I laughed. 

"They're..." I paused. Duo knew I'd had problems accepting them, his friends, unconditionally as he had. "They're good people. Good friends." 

Flashing me a quick grin, he joked, "Tell that to Heero's probation officer. I'm sure he could use a good laugh."

"He's still on probation? I thought he only had it until the end of March..." 

Duo was shaking his head. "Nah, asshole got into another fight. Though it wasn't his fault this time, and the judge was willing to dismiss it, but some law they have in California says he had to have something happen. So they tacked another six months on." His expression turned thoughtful. "And here I thought the hate laws overrode all other considerations. Fuckin' politics anyway."

I chuckled. "Aren't you planning to go into politics?" He kicked me playfully with a bare foot. "How's Trowa? He find something?"

Brightening, Duo smiled happily. "Oh man, you're not going to believe this. He's got a contract. Nothing big, but he's going to be recording! Some Indy label guy heard him open for a local band at a concert a couple weeks ago and signed him. He'll be able to play his own stuff, and a bunch of remixes." Duo's eyes were shining.

"That's great!" When they had stopped on their way through, Trowa had played and sang, his talent obvious. 

"Hey!" Duo cried in mock exasperation. "You're supposed to be studying, not gabbing. Get back to work." He winked, smiling. "We'll catch up later. Just get done, okay?"

I turned back to my book and pretended to read. I knew Duo watched me, watched to see that I had gone back to studying. Letting part of my mind work on copying the words from the book to my notes, I gave thought to another area of our relationship that I had been sorely lacking. Heero and Trowa had been, and still were, Duo's closest friends. I'd acted as though they were a threat.

My intention hadn't been to start that way. I really had wanted to be open minded, but the more Duo talked of them, telling me stories from his childhood, the more I didn't want them in his life. They both had been extreme discipline problems. And at twenty-one, Heero continued to be.

Heero was Duo's oldest friend, more of a brother to him than most real brothers. The two had met in the boy's home, Heero nearly three years older. After Duo had suffered his third fight in two days, the Heero announced his protection, and thereafter even the teenagers backed off. At eight, with his unusual looks, long hair and brash manner, Duo had became a prime target for bullies and other predators. Though only ten, Heero's friendship had kept him safe.

Duo had laughingly told of Heero's attempts to teach him to fight, and how the two were in constant trouble, because of the skill. After Trowa's arrival, when Heero's attention had been diverted, Duo had begun stealing, vandalizing the school and causing mischief throughout the neighborhood. His stories of juvenile detention centers and crisis counseling left me reeling. Where he had thought them humorous, I thought them shocking. 

The way he told the stories would haunt me for days afterwards. The vague pains and disquiet feeling I'd get when he spoke of his friends left me troubled. His eyes would light up and his voice would change to an almost caressing timbre. For the first time in my life, I believed I hated someone without even knowing him.

It'd been around Halloween when Duo announced Trowa and Heero's intention to head out to California. He'd been excited for his friends; the move was to give them a new start, and away from a seemingly inescapable past. Not sure of when the move was to take place, they said they'd route their trip through the university if they could. I met the news feeling more than a little trepidation. 

  


_The knock wasn't unusual. Most of the time it'd be a resident hunting supplies, or another student. That it was late evening on a Friday made it uncommon. From the floor where he sprawled, Duo'd yelled out for the door to open, and one of the dorm leaders walked in._

_He appeared troubled. "Duo, Miller said you'd be here. There are a couple of guys downstairs. They say they know you."_

_We looked at each other before Duo asked, "Did they give you names?"_

_The guy looked embarrassed. "No, but one of the guys is tall, thin about my age. The other is shorter, Asian, looks mean..."_

_Duo'd jumped up, tossing his book aside. "Heero!" he shouted, and raced past the floor leader._

_I rose and followed slowly. All that time I'd half hoped that they wouldn't have been able to work a visit in their trip. From the stairs, I watched Duo hug another man. The vague pains solidified into a sharp, bitter one and I halted on the steps. Though I knew these two men had known Duo, had hugged and touched him many times, it still hurt to see him with someone else._

_Just as I had been about to turn, the man looked up. His expression frightening for a moment and then as if he realized he glared, his face slid into a neutral mask. Only his eyes spoke of the same hatred I felt for him._

_Duo'd pulled away and looked around. Spotting me on the steps, he waved me over, smiling. "Come on, Quatre. You've got to meet these guys." He turned to the taller of the two, and I knew I continued to be watched. The shorter man, the darker, Asian one, stared as I approached his gaze level his eyes intense. I couldn't look away. I was drawn to those damning blue eyes._

_A hand grabbed my arm. "This is Trowa, Trowa Barton. And this guy is Heero Yuy. Guys, this is the one I was telling you about, Quatre." Duo grinned and pulled me forward._

_The tall one I liked immediately, and wondered at my hesitancy in their visit. Trowa radiated warmth and calmness. He swept his hair from his face, and shook my hand with a half smile. "Duo's told us a lot about you. It's good to see you aren't an imaginary playmate."_

_Duo choked. "Trowa!" _

_My smile faltered. I wasn't certain what to make of him. Shaking his hand firmly, I responded, "And he's said a lot about the two of you as well." I flicked a glance at the other man before adding, "Though I don't see the capes and costumes." _

_Trowa's laugh was as easy and warm as he appeared. Heero had turned away with a snort._

_"What's this, Duo?" a rough voice asked. "Sean Hayes know you raided his closet?" I looked over in time to see Heero plucking at Duo's shirt._

_Pulling out of the hand's grip, Duo ducked his head, a red flush rose from his neck. _

_I looked to see what shirt Duo wore; the light lavender polo I'd picked out for him a couple of weeks prior. "I gave it to him. He looks good in it."_

_Heero sneered at me and snorted. "It figures."_

_Trowa stepped forward, his hand touching my shoulder in a comforting touch. "Is there someplace would can go, someplace a little..." he gestured around, "...less public?"_

_Without taking my eyes from those piercing blue ones, I nodded. "We can go to my room. Victor will be gone the weekend, and wouldn't mind." _

_"Great," Trowa smiled and picked up a beat-up backpack. _

_As I turned to lead the way, I saw Duo jerk and his eyes widen when Heero leaned closer. Though he whispered, I knew he'd meant for me to hear. "Wonder bread dress you often?" _

  


Since they had nowhere else to go, Duo's friends camped out in my rooms. It went without saying Duo's dorm was out of the question. Not only would his roommate object, but he was also perverse enough to cause trouble. And though Heero rarely spoke after the initial introduction, his animosity hadn't abated.

Duo pleaded for them to stay Saturday and leave early Sunday. 

I'd left for most of the morning telling Duo it'd give him time to catch up with his friends. He'd agreed reluctantly and seemed hurt. Leaving the two in my room, I'd pulled Duo with me down the resident stairs and into the relative privacy of the rec room. My only intent had been to hug him without feeling that pair of eyes tracking my every move. But seeing how troubled his expression had been, I kissed him. Reassurance of my feelings for him, reassurance for myself, had turned quickly into desperate need. An amused cough from the doorway had separated us and we both grinned sheepishly at one of the residents. 

By the time I'd returned after lunch, it had been with some surprise to learn Duo had talked them into playing basketball. Trowa'd stage whispered how Duo'd been bragging my game all morning, and now was my chance to prove him not a liar. I'd not known how to take that statement and settled for changing my clothes without comment.

The two on two games played hadn't been remarkable; they'd only been games. I found myself paired first with Duo and then Trowa, always opposite Heero. Of the five games played, my team had won three. We were about to start a sixth game when a small group of coeds challenged us to a friendly game. Heero'd accepted before anyone could say anything. 

_"Heero," Duo protested. "They're on the school team." _

_One of the guys chuckled. "Relax. We'll take it easy on you."_

_I saw Heero bristling and stepped forward quickly. "We only have four players, not a true team."_

_"What about him?" the player I knew played the guard position asked, gesturing to the lone figure in the corner of the gym._

_With some surprise, I recognized him from one of my classes. "Duo, that's Wufei from Economics. I'll go ask." _

_It'd taken me a bit to convince him to join us; he hadn't wanted to break his routine. _

_The game started as I thought it would, the well-practiced team jumped off to an early lead. We'd limited the game to the first team to hit thirty, and they'd scored already scored nine. Trowa's basket earned us three, and we rallied. At no time had Heero passed the ball in my direction, at no time had he looked at me with anything other than a glare._

_We'd been playing for over thirty minutes when I saw my chance. The scores had jumped to twenty-six to twenty-five, their favor. I tracked the ball as it passed from player to player. Heero's man had the ball, feinted and the shorter man took the bait. I dodged my guard, darted in and snatched the ball from the other's hand, dribbling down the court for all I was worth. _

_My way suddenly blocked, I looked around for one of my teammates. All but Heero were too well covered. Taking the chance, I feinted, pivoted, and passed the ball quickly calling his name. Though his appeared surprised, he caught the ball, ran the court and made the basket. Twenty-seven to twenty-six. _

_Getting fouled hadn't been the way I wanted the game to end, but the player I'd taken the ball from wanted revenge. _

_Flat on my back, I watched in shock as Heero was the first to stand over me. He bristled, his hands clenched into fist threatening the taller player. Like some bizarre honor guard, my other teammates formed a half circle around me as I caught my breath and Duo helped me to my feet. The face off had the marks of getting ugly fast, and I shook off the dazed feeling in a hurry._

_"Let's make this interesting," I announced, moving forward. "How about if I make this shot, we win and I buy the pizza, but if I don't, you win and I still buy." My offer broke up the worst of the tension, and most the opposing team relaxed. Duo flashed me a grateful look before slinging his arm around Heero's shoulders, drawing him away and whispering urgently in his ear._

_I made the shot._

_Wufei'd begged off, saying he wanted to get back to his interrupted routine, and I was sorry to see him leave. He'd played a good game. I made a mental note to look him up after the next class together, maybe invite him into our study group. _

_Pizza at the Grapevine was an experience never forgotten. Not only did the place serve the best damn pizza, the owner himself made it a point to visit every table at least once during your dinner. He also had a habit of making embarrassing announcements to the room at large. So it was with much chagrin a few players of the school's team suffered teasing throughout dinner from most of the other diners. _

It'd still been early, but the four of us returned to my room to take showers and change. We'd talked about going out - to a movie, a club, or even a short tour of the town, but neither Heero nor Trowa were interested. Duo settled for a movie instead.

Halfway through the movie, when Duo rose to use the lavatory, Heero asked me to walk him to the nearest convenience store. For smokes, he said. Later, though it could have been my distrust of the man, I thought he'd just been waiting for the opportunity to get me alone. 

_Trowa's startled glance tipped me off that it'd been an unusual request. Heero's steady gaze never left my face. Keeping my voice level, showing no hint of the apprehension I felt, I replied, "All right." And got to my feet._

_Heero brushed off Trowa's hand and we left._

_Our walk was in silence except for my occasional comment about a building or pointing out a spot of interest. It wasn't until we were in sight of the store that Heero stopped me. His eyes had lost the hostility; they were no less intense. He seemed to want to say something, but held back, looking from the ground to my face and then away._

_"That was a good game," I offered. "You play well."_

_He snorted, more self-deprecating than derisive. Leveling his gaze, he stated "You played better. More like a team member." _

_I shrugged and gave a small smile. "We were a team."_

_Shoving his hands in his jeans' pockets, he said flatly, almost disinterested, "Duo likes you, cares for you a lot."_

_Not what I'd been expecting from him, I could only stammer, "I care for him a lot as well."_

_Heero glared piercingly. "You'd better." Shaking his head, he looked off into the distance, blew out a breath and shot a glance at the store across the street. "He... we're like family. He ...he means a lot to me." To say he had been uncomfortable would have been a gross understatement._

_Thinking I knew what he was trying to say, I spoke softly, "I will always treat Duo well. I wouldn't hurt him for the world."_

_He frowned and ran a hand through his hair, an edgy habit I'd seen Duo use a hundred times. "That's not what I mean. If he gets hurt, he'll get hurt. You can't control that. It happens." He did another of his point checks, this time stopping to keep his eyes glued on some spot over my left shoulder. "For a lot of his life he needed me. I'd been the only one there for him. Not even Trowa could..." he broke off a moment, his eyes flicked to mine before resuming his fixed look. "He's torn between us, you know," he said softly. Before I could speak, he raised a hand to cut me off.  
  
"He's changed a lot since the summer." His gaze settled on me. "But that was the whole purpose in getting him here. To become a better man. Better than Trowa and me."   
  
I shifted, uncertain as to what he was getting at. "He's a good man."  
  
Heero nodded, almost negligently. "With you, he'll become a better one." He gave me another intense look. "Go back to the dorm," he commanded. "I'll find my way - later." And he left me standing on the sidewalk, watching him cross the street.   
  
It'd taken him over an hour to return._

  


One memory from their visit stood out more from the feelings it evoked rather than words or actions passed between either of them. Heero had returned to the room, and, giving into Duo's pleas, Trowa'd taken out his guitar. He played and sang a couple of songs I didn't recognize; later Duo informed me Trowa had wrote and composed them. I was pleasantly surprised when both Duo and Heero joined him in a couple of other songs - Duo's deep baritone providing descant to Heero's tenor and both in counterpoint to Trowa. He played one last song before calling it a night. And his choice left me puzzled, but too peaceful to comment on it. 

My back propped against the wall, I sat straight-legged on my bed with Duo's head on my lap. One of his arms wrapped around my back while the hand of the other stroked my leg in a light touch; one of my hands rested on a hip, and the other in his hair. The desk lamp the only light, casting more shadow than illumination. Heero laid on Victor's bed, curled around Trowa as he sat on the edge. The moment held an ethereal quality. Listening to Trowa's voice, my ears supplied the sounds of Seger and it was summertime.

The next morning, I stood back, watching Heero load the car as Trowa said his good byes. Duo'd given him a loose-armed hug, teased him about keeping the thug in line; my eyes stayed on Heero. When he finished packing, he led Duo a short walk away. Trowa and I passed small talk, but I hardly looked at him. His arms around Heero's neck, I could see Duo's shoulders move and his head nod against the man's chest. They stayed wrapped in each other for several minutes before Heero pulled away. He gave Duo a smile, and started towards the car; Duo didn't move but followed him with his eyes. After a couple of steps, Heero stopped and turned. He said something I couldn't hear. And for a moment, Duo looked shocked, his eyes had widened and he shot a look at me. 

Heero nodded in my direction before climbing in behind the wheel. Trowa snorted, amused. He offered me a friendly smile, said his good-bye again, and joined Heero in the car. Duo stood in the parking lot for several minutes; he watched the car enter the street and disappear turning a corner. 

He never offered and I'd never asked what Heero'd told him that morning. And though the questions were there, Duo'd held silent; the both of us suspected the same - Heero's conversations had been for our ears along, not to be shared.

  


Sneaking a peek at Duo to see if he still monitored me, I discovered he'd fallen asleep. Since it'd become useless to pretend any longer, I closed my book, stacked my notes, and put the lot away. In that minute, though I knew I'd pass the class, I cared little if my grade point average suffered. 

I turned my chair to watch him, looking for signs that belied his earlier announcement. 

In sleep, his brow had lost that slight puckering frown it'd held all night, the skin around his eyes and mouth had become lax. He looked at peace, at ease and without care. A few strands of hair fell across his cheek, one moved slightly as he exhaled. His lips were parted; his allergies must have been bothering him again for him to breathe through his mouth. The dark smudges hinted at sleepless nights, shadowed fair skin over high cheekbones. And though angular in shape, his cheeks still held the leftover chubbiness of his youth. 

Though I'd probably kissed it a thousand times, and wanted to wring it a thousand more, I don't think I'd ever noticed his neck before. Long and narrow but solid, its corded muscle stood out. His tee-shirt skewed to the side, exposing his collar bone. I resisted the urge to trace my fingers over it. His arms deceptively thin, I knew hid well-defined muscle; I'd wrestled him, been lifted by him, been held by those arms too many times to not know. And his hands, small though they appeared, they were strong with long nibble fingers capable of delivering extreme pleasure or great pain.

His clothing disguised the toughened wryly muscled body, and had led more than one person to assume him less than what he was. I'd always considered myself of average height at five nine and for some reason, Duo seemed to be taller, larger than average. In reality, the top of his head barely reached my nose. Fondly, I tracked his lines, down over his torso, lingering at his hips to continue over trim athletic legs and ending with his feet. I loved the man's feet. Small and compact, his toes bare stubs, I'd spent many hours on them, rubbing them, holding them, sucking on the toes. At first, I'd thought it more than odd, but since no one else's feet evoked such a response, I chose to believe it had been just part of being with Duo. Stifling a sigh of unrequited longing, I looked away.

It was then I noticed how thin Duo'd gotten. His jeans pulled away at the waist; his shirt partly hiked up to reveal a very slender abdomen. I had to admit he looked a lot better than he had during our last meeting a little over a week ago. And then he'd looked like he hadn't slept in months, hadn't showered in days. His normally fastidiously kept hair hadn't seen a brush in a long time; his clothes looked as though he'd picked them up off the floor to wear. 

I'd been running late to meet with my Economics study group, having already spent several hours with Wufei discussing another class. When I'd exited the dorm building, Duo was right behind me calling out my name. His appearance had been shocking. I hadn't seen him in weeks, though we continued to share classes, most of the lecture halls were large enough I rarely spotted him, and I made it a habit to avoid looking if I didn't have to. 

  


_"I've seen you with him. That Wufei. Is he fucking you now?" __his voice harsh and demanding._

_"What?" His words startled me with their ferocity. "What are you talking about, Duo?"_

_He stood in front of me, defiant and wild-eyed, a few feet from the dorm's entrance. The wind had picked up, and other than the two of us, everyone hurried to get inside; it was going to rain. "Wufei. Are you taking it in the ass for him? Is he your new boyfriend?" he ground out the words, his hands clenched into fists at his sides._

_I drew back from the violence in his eyes. "Are you drunk?"_

_"Fuck!" he shouted, drawing the attention of several passing students. "Is that all you think about?"_

_"Where you're concern, yes! You made it clear you preferred to be that way." I looked up feeling the first drops of the expected rain and cursed; I'd left my umbrella in my room. Turning away, I tossed out, "I'm late, it's raining and this conversation is over."_

_Duo grabbed my arm, pulling me around. "Is he your lover, Quatre? Does he fuck you like I did?" _

_Something in his attitude struck me wrong. I felt anger stirring and lashed out, "So what if he is? What's it to you?"_

_His face went livid and he opened and closed his mouth several times. "You fucking whore!" he hissed venomously. "I'll kill him."_

_Hard pelting drops fell, striking pavement, building and trees with deafening loudness. Duo continued to glare at me, and I couldn't look away. His threat had chilled. Some part of me wondered if he'd follow through._

_"I knew you two fags were fuckin' idiots!" Miller's shout came from behind me. We both turned our anger to him. "Too stupid to get out of the rain. Standing here getting wet having a cat fight. Shit!" _

_"Get the fuck out, Mil," Duo told him in a low tone._

_"Crap, Duo. Since you quit drinking, you've been a real asshole, you know that?" Miller laughed._

_"Shut the fuck up, Miller."_

_"He quit drinking?" I asked, looking at Duo's roommate._

_"Yeah, hasn't touched the stuff since you left." He laughed derisively. _

_Duo growled, "I said shut the fuck up!"_

_"Quatre, do me a favor and lay this prick. He hasn't had any since you two love birds broke up and he could use a fuck." Duo lunged forward, reaching for Miller but the man slipped out of the way, and into the dorm. _

_Duo turned back to me, anger still strong and heavy in his expression._

_"Wufei isn't my lover. I have had only one," I said quietly, not sure if he heard me over the noise of the rain, not sure if I cared. "I have to go. Talk to me when I have time." Raising my face to the sky for a moment, I added, "And not in the rain next time." Turning away, I didn't wait for his response but ran off across the quad._

  


Watching him now, the temptation to lay next to him became overwhelming. I wanted to wake him, rip his clothes from his body, lick every inch of his skin, and physically show how much I still cared for him. I actually stood, my hands reaching for him before I caught myself. Deliberately moving away, I knew I had to think, I had to distance myself from Duo. Sex with him, I desired, I hungered for; questions I'd held too long needed answers. Memory evoked understanding needed to be addressed. 

Without turning around, I left, closing the door softly behind me. 

  


~

*Note: a cookie to the first person who knows the song Trowa was singing.


	4. As you are

As You Are   
By Merith   
  
Pairings: 2x4x2   
Rating: NC-17  
Warnings: AU, Shonen Ai, yaoi, language, angst, hints of NCS   
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, its characters or its story line. But I do enjoy writing about them!   
A/N: Inspired by two separate conversations, this story became a challenge of sorts. Could I as an author, write a believable story with a pairing I didn't believe would work? Thanks to Nayla for babysitting and Saro for letting me bounce ideas off her (don't worry, she wore protective headgear).   
  
To: Arithion, who believes, and to Saro, who could believe.   
  
~ 

Part IV: As you are

The moment I hit the warm spring air, I knew I had to keep walking - I had to put distance between him and me. Just thinking of him laying on my bed kept the memories flowing, one after another tumbling through my mind, juxtaposed like some badly edited film.

Duo as he stalked over the grass to pounce and gnaw on my neck and shoulders. As Duo straddled my chair and climbed in my lap to lick my nose. As he curled cat-like on my newspaper spread on the floor, blinking up at me. As he danced an impromptu strip tease to get my attention. The challenge in his eyes as he leaned over and licked the ice cream from my cone in one long stroke. And Duo as he stretched out beside me in bed, his leg thrown over mine.

What started as a walk, quickly became a run. The memories wouldn't quit, my body continued to betray me. My skin burned, my fingertips itched and I ached to feel him, to touch him. 

I stumbled across the park, and came to rest against a tree at the pond's edge. Drawing a ragged breath and fighting the urge to run back, I closed my eyes and let the one memory I'd denied myself for months to come. The one memory I could never forget; the one memory I'll always cherish. 

He'd been fresh from the shower, his skin glowed pink, his hair braided and still wet. Carrying one of his textbooks, he answered the door wearing gym shorts and a tank top - though mid-fall, it'd been a warm night. We were supposed to watch a movie, but he explained that he needed to finish reading part of an assignment first, plopping back on his chair. I grabbed the latest Stephen King book in a series we'd been reading, and laid on his bed. Though not usual, it happened often enough. And it wasn't as if the movie had mattered. 

The minutes had ticked by, punctuated only by the sound of turning pages. Duo'd sat with his feet perched on the edge of the mattress, his book propped on bent knees. I'd laid on my side facing him, one hand idly stroking his bare feet, playing with his toes. So engrossed in the story, I'd barely registered him calling my name. 

  


_I raised my eyes from the page; the look he gave I'd never seen before. Sharp - with no intent to harm. Burning - without the flame. Hunger - no food could assuage, his expression showed a need that could only be sated in one way. Afraid but excited, I felt the smile form. _

_"Quatre," he called out again, his voice soft, low and rough with an edge._

_He'd been watching me as I lay; my heart thumped and I swallowed hard. "Wh-what?" I stuttered near breathless._

_His feet hit the floor and he dropped his text to the side as he leaned forward, his eyes never leaving mine. "This." And he kissed me, pressing me backwards. I felt the mattress dip as he knelt by my side. Hands around his waist, I pulled him closer. Duo won my attention from the battling forces of good and evil without a fight._

_Pulling back, he slid onto his side facing me, his fingers brushed at the loose fringe of my bangs, and trailed down my face. When his eyes caught mine, he licked his lips. "We can be more than friends..." he whispered, his eyes alternately offering and demanding something from me._

_"More than friends?" I breathed the question._

_"Let me show you..." he said softly even as his lips glided over mine. _

_I reached for him, bringing my hands up to cradle his face and slide over his arms. Our mouths met again a little too eagerly, crushing lips against teeth. Duo drew back; his chuckle blew against my cheek, making me shiver._

_"Quatre," his voice was quiet and almost as breathless as I felt. "Relax, let me show you." His eyes darted over my face and he lowered his head once again, brushing his lips against mine. _

_I tried reaching for him, and he stopped it; he rolled me on my back and pinned my arm to the bed, chuckling softly between the kisses. He raised himself above me, continuing to rain soft quick kisses over my face and down my neck. Releasing my wrist, he used his hands instead to touch me, to unbutton my shirt. _

_Feeling his lips at the juncture between my neck and shoulder, I turned my head to the side, letting out a shuddering breath. His fingers were fire and seared on contact. His lips trailed his hands to leave cool, caressing kisses from breast to navel. Even as he slid my shirt off and tossed it behind him, I stopped breathing. _

_He raised himself to sit straddling my thighs, hands low on my sides. His gaze locked with mine, fingers at the button of my jeans, unzipping the fly. Sliding his hands under the waistband of my briefs, he pushed at them, slipping both pants and shorts off hips. My pulse raced. Where his fingertips met bare skin, the nerves quivered, skittish at the touch. I gripped the bed cover in my fists, wanting nothing more than to hurry his progress. _

_Duo sat back, tugging at my pants, pulling them from my legs; they followed my shirt. If looks had the power of combustion, his would have set fire to my flesh. I burned, I wanted, my hand strayed to my thigh, brushing skin. I wanted to touch, I wanted to feel him. The need, as yet undescribable, ached in my groin. _

_The hands on my calves moved in a soothing motion. Finished with his visual appreciation, Duo wet his lips. Holding my gaze, he let out a slow breath. "I can't do this to you, Quatre. You're ...innocent," reluctance coloring his tone._

_"Not innocent," I managed and pulled myself up, reaching for him. I had to somehow convince him what he wanted, I wanted. Hands on his shoulders, I drew him closer. "I've never... before." Lips on his, hands clutched skin in desperation. "I need you, Duo. Please."_

_A sudden burning hunger consumed us. Our mouths met, crashing together bruising and splitting lips, our hands grasped and grabbed at clothing, at hair; fierce and wild, a powerful frenzy of clashing bodies and tearing fabric. At one point, he pulled back his body trembling with the effort. He shook his head in silent denial even as his hands caressed_ _my bared chest, his fingers leaving heated trails as they traveled farther down._

_"Not innocent," I repeated wanting to alleviate any hesitation. _

_That was all it took. I found myself pressed against the mattress, his body on mine. His mouth devoured my lips, coherent thought quickly became beyond my capacity. I wanted his skin against mine, experience how it felt. Tugging at his shirt focused his attention, pulled him from an erotic dream. A meeting of lips, and he jumped from the bed._

_"I've got to get..." He looked frantic for a moment, then grinned. I watched as he pulled his shirt off and stepped out of his shorts. Never having seen another man naked before, I could only stare. Beautiful. Strong, he exuded sexuality with every impressive inch of flesh. Seeing where my eyes strayed, he grinned softly and rubbed a hand self-consciously over his abdomen. _

_So engrossed in my appraisal, I didn't see what he'd retrieved from the desk drawer. He came to the edge of the bed where I sat, waiting. Bringing my eyes up to his, allowing them to express what they'd seen in him, I ran my hands over his chest, circling back down to rest at his hips. Not quite knowing what I wanted, what I was doing, I pressed my face against his belly, kissed him, held him._

_"Quatre..." he groaned, digging his fingers in my hair. I'd moved my way down, and nuzzled into the curly mass at his groin. I'd only managed a kiss before I laid flat on my back again with Duo straddling me. "Let me..." he murmured against my lips. ___

_As if on instinct, I parted my legs; Duo dropped between them, his hips settling atop mine. He mirrored my gasp, wide-eyed in shock and excitement. Leaning on an elbow, he held his body partly off me, one hand stroking my cheek, his lips planting kisses along my jaw._

_"Let me, Quatre. Let me show you," his voice low, vibrant. _

_I barely nodded, losing sense once more. Duo rose up, and positioned himself above my hips, his legs spread to either side with my knees at his back. He leaned over briefly, one hand touching skin, tracing circles. I watched with half closed eyes as he opened a small package. He guided my hand up his thigh, over his abdomen and posed it above his hairline. His eyes never leaving mine, he lowered our hands. _

_He jerked, rocking his hips into our joined hands. His response triggered my own, and I thrust upward into him. "Oh God!" Not sure who cried out, I could only repeat what had been said. _

_"I can't wait any longer..." he whispered almost frantically, and slid back, pushing my legs down. Bending almost double, Duo lowered his mouth down and a moist warmth engulfed my penis. I think I screamed, I might have fainted. I knew only the pleasure radiating up and out from his actions._

_A cool slickness replaced the warmth, and I murmured a protest. Duo kissed my stomach, and said in a low voice, "It's necessary." His fingers, coated in a gel, glided over the sheath that now surrounded me; he stroked its surface, livening the sensations with his touch. The smell of our sex, our mingling sweat and breath combined with the tingling excitement and feel of eager fingers over too sensitive skin brewed a heady mixture. I thrust up into his hand without realizing it._

_As Duo sank down over me, impaling himself, I knew I'd entered a celestial plane. My eyes widened. I heard a low keening, barely realized I was making the small noises. Even feeling him, seeing him kneeling above me - raising and lowering his body in rhythmic motion - stretched my belief it wasn't a dream. He encompassed me, softly killing with each passage. _

_The desire to touch him manifested, and I clutched, first at his fingers clinging to my hips. His deeply expressive eyes bore into mine and he gasped out my name. My hands quested higher, landing on his thighs. Feeling his muscles bunch and flex as he raised and lowered himself caused me to moan out loud. He was doing this, moving over me, making me feel things I'd only barely dreamt possible. _

_My nails dug into his flesh, and I thrust upward, meeting his downward stroke. Duo grabbed at me, squeezing my arms in a vicious grip, his face wrenched in ecstasy. He gave a hoarse cry of pleasure. His erection wavered before me, slick with its own moisture. My hand sought this new goal, and, reaching it, I held it reverently as a sacred thing. _

_Even as he met each thrust of mine, his breath came in ragged gasps. I could feel the culmination ready to burst forth from the flesh in my hand; I'd had been working instinctively, gliding over its shaft in rapid strokes. _

_Suddenly, he threw back his head, his fingernails dug deeply into my upper-arms, and he cried out. Warmth spread hotter than the heat we'd already created, my senses overloaded, feeling his muscles tighten, smelling him - all of him, hearing his cry, watching his face, and knowing it was me who had done this to him, I lost myself in the feeling. _

  


I don't remember what had happened after, but I know I'd woken in a half doze at one point in the night. Duo snuggled close to my back, his arm over my waist. Feeling pleased, warm and comfortable, I'd adjusted how I lay, and drifted into sleep once again.

  


"I thought I'd find you here."

Duo's voice startled me. Looking up, I saw he had stopped a little over a foot from the bench; close enough I could touch him. Heat in my cheeks, I looked out over the pond. Lost as I'd been, I hadn't even realized I'd moved to the bench. "Guess I'm predictable that way."

He chuckled softly. "Just a little." 

I heard him shift, and shot a glance in his direction. Seeing how uncomfortable he looked, I slid over and indicated he should sit. Duo let out a breath settling down.

"Are you ready to talk? Or do you need more time?" 

His resigned tone drew my attention. He looked haggard and tired. "I thought you were sleeping," I said quietly.

The small smile he gave was more than a bit sheepish. "Yeah, sorry about that." He moved his gaze back to the pond. "Guess I was more tired than I thought."

How unfair I'd been hit me again. Moving closer, I touched his arm, a faint brush. "Can I ... hold you?" 

Startled, he gaped and then nodded. Relief, unexpected and strong, eased away the tension I'd been holding all night. Duo slid into my embrace and settled against me. It clicked, what had been absent, and I kissed the top of his head reflexively. "I've missed this," my whisper hoarse. He nodded against my shirt; his arm no longer hesitant to encircle my waist. 

Several long minutes passed, neither spoke. For once in this long night, my thoughts had quieted, I'd nothing left to remember, nothing left to prod into life. As the slight breeze rippled on the water, I drew a deep breath. Though I'd nothing to dredge up from the past, we still had to talk about the future. Questions needing answer still laid between us.

"Heero was your lover," I stated rather than asked. It hadn't been what I'd planned on saying. The center of my discontent, a light needed to be shed.

Duo stilled. I felt the release of breath and his shoulders bowed under my arms. "He was. A long time ago." 

My arm tightened around him, my hand lightly stroked his side. "I've been an idiot."

He snorted softly and pulled back to look at me. "I think we both share that title."

"But..." I couldn't help the sigh. "I've been jealous of him, you know."

"No, I didn't know." Duo blinked in surprise. "I never thought... it'd been so long, and he has Trowa..." 

"Sense never plays a part in jealousy." I kissed his hair again.

His laugh startled me. "Last week, I was so jealous of Wufei. He'd been hanging out, spending time with you. Doing things I used to do. Doing things I wanted to do. I wanted to kill him."

"Of Wufei?" It was my turn to be surprised.

Duo nodded. "Yeah, of Wufei. You never let anyone get that close to you. Not like you did him. Not like you let me."

His logic made sense, even if not true. "There's never been anyone like you, Duo." 

He aborted the shiver as it started with a loud snort. "No, I figured that out last week." He shook his head against my side. "We are a couple of idiots. How come we didn't talk before?"

"I don't think we were ready to listen before." I'd done a lot of thinking over the past several hours, and that had to be the only reason behind our actions. 

"Are we ready to listen to one another now?" his query quiet and serious.

Nodding, I offered, "I think so... I hope so."

"Good." He fell silent for a moment. "What do you want to hear?"

I shifted, suddenly uneasy. I knew what I wanted him to tell me, but not certain I wanted to hear about it. "Tell me about Heero - the real story this time."

Duo pulled back out of my arms and faced the pond. "I don't know if I can - tell you the whole story, I mean. I can tell you what I can, what I know." He shot a glance in my direction. "I can't do this sitting here though. Can we take a walk or something?"

Without waiting for a reply, he jumped to his feet and stepped away. I rose slowly, stretching the kinks out and watched while he stood, shoving his hands in his pockets, looking back towards the university. "Lead the way." I moved up beside him.

He began to speak as soon as we hit the path. Most of what he said I'd already known, about arriving at the home and Heero being his protector, his friend. His voice at times dropped so low I had to lean close to hear him, at no time did he stop talking, at no time did he allow me to ask questions.

"I was eleven when it happened. Heero was fourteen." He kept his face averted. Almost wishing I hadn't asked, I picked up one of his hands and gave it a squeeze. "He didn't mean to. At least not the first time," his voice a mere whisper of breath. 

"See, when I was younger, I used to have bad dreams, nightmares. I woke a lot during the night, waking Heero and anyone else in the room with us. To make things easier, we'd taken to sleeping together, so no one would get mad, and try to take it out on me." He drew a shuddering breath and stopped. 

"I knew what sex was, shit, all the boys knew in the home, no matter the age. Heero, he'd been pushing me out of his bed, not wanting me to sleep with him for a couple of months before it happened. But that night, the dreams..." Abruptly, he started walking, jerking me into motion. "He'd been having a fucking dream himself, only it wasn't a nightmare."

"Duo," I pulled on his hand. "You don't have to..."

"Yes!" He turned on me suddenly, his eyes fierce. "Don't you see, if I'm not completely open, even to myself, it'll always hang between us. It's not something I'm going to forget." He closed his eyes and passed a hand over his face. "There's not much more to tell, not that you don't know already."

I dropped his hand and hugged him. "I think I understand a lot, now." Holding Duo, I recalled Heero not being able to face me, standing across the street from the convenince store. He'd tried to tell me something, then, and couldn't. Not the full story, at least.

Duo's arms went around my shoulders, his face buried into my neck. "I loved him Quatre. I hated him." 

The anguish in his voice palatable, I felt helpless. The shushing noises and back rubs did not wipe away the past. "It's okay, Duo. It's okay."

Another shuddering breath, and he spoke again. "Heero loved me. He'd been like a brother to me, and I would have done anything for him... anything." Duo released me, and pushed me away softly, holding me at arm's length. His eyes searched mine, looking for something I wasn't sure. Whatever it'd been, he found it. He smile sadly and touched my face. 

"You really are special, Quatre Winner." Taking my hand in his, he pulled me into a slow walk. "Just to set the record straight, it wasn't as though he demanded it of me. After that first time, I mean. I knew it for ... an accident? ...a tragedy? whatever, it happened. I was sore for awhile, but that was it."

He took a deep breath. "A couple of months later though, we did more than sleep in the same bed. Mostly just touching, kissing, kid stuff." He gave me a sideway glance. "When he suggested doing it, only he told me it'd be better than the first time, I refused to sleep with him. But I loved him Quatre, I couldn't help but give in to him."

I squeezed his hand again, not wanting to hear any more, not wanting to stop him.

"I... learned to like it, to enjoy it," his voice dropped low again. He grimaced and shot me a wry smile. "We were lovers for two years. Then Trowa came. He was assigned to our room, and things were pretty crowded. Heero and I, well, we couldn't do anything. Not with Trowa there. I thought he had started to suspect something was going on. When Heero stopped touching me, doing some of the things he used to do, I'd thought it was because of Trowa."

He fell silent. "They'd become lovers," I stated quietly. Duo jerked his head slightly. 

"I walked in on them. I was supposed to be at practice, but the coach was sick, and the assistant didn't know the routine." He shrugged. "That's when I started doing a lot of stuff I shouldn't have." Duo laughed self-deprecatingly. "It was Trowa who made me see what I was doing. He was the one who brought Heero and I back together. I would have lost him otherwise."

Within sight of the dorm building, he came to a stop. "Let's go sit for a moment, okay?" At my nod, he led me off the path, and up the small grassy knoll overlooking the quadplex.

We sat close, not touching one another. I looked up at the stars, trying to imagine what he'd been through, and how he could be who he is with all of that behind him. "What would you like to hear?" I asked, drawing my legs up, resting my chin on my knees.

Duo made some vague humming noise before asking, "Does you dad still have that intern job open for the summer?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "That's what you want to know? You don't want to know why I've been such a bastard to you? Why I'm such a spoiled rich brat?" 

His hand on his chin for a moment, he announced, "Yeah, that's about it." And he grinned.

"Seriously?" 

He brushed his shoulder to mine. "Seriously. I've got an offer to work for that Chaney guy, the one who's in charge of the youth program in the city, but I'm not sure I want to do that." He shrugged slightly. "I had enough of youth programs. But I haven't seen how the business side of the world works." 

I returned his smile, shaking my head. "The internship's still open. I... " I looked skyward. "I hadn't told dad we'd broken up. At first, I didn't want to answer any questions, and then, it never came up." 

His hand touched my arm, drawing my attention back to him. "You don't have to explain yourself to me, Quatre. I have a pretty good idea what motivates you, and underneath that spoiled rotten skin, lays a pretty cool heart. Everything you did, you did with good intentions." 

"That's not an excuse," I said bitterly. "I treated you badly, Duo. I said some pretty awful things, thought even worse ones. I tried to change who you were. That's not right."

"No, it's not right." He pulled his legs up, crossing his feet, his hands rested on his knees. "And if you do it again, I'll call you on it. Most of that shit was just that, shit. There were things you asked of me that I knew I'd have to change some time or other, so I didn't mind - it didn't matter. But there were some things... " He gave me a serious look. "I wanted to hit you for, and I never want to feel that way about you again."

Nodding vaguely, I sat back, dropping my hands down to the grass. "We're not really a couple, are we?" I asked watching his expression. A stricken look passed, and he shook his head. 

"What are we then?" his question a mere whisper between us.

I peered from beneath the fringe of my bangs. "What do you want, Duo?" I asked instead of answering.

He gave me a wistful smile, almost shy, and totally out of character for him. Absently, his fingers shred a blade of grass. Turning away, he looked off over the darkened campus towards the Science triplex. It took awhile, but when he spoke, his voice was clear and strong. "I want to be with you. That's it."

"After all I'd done, said, why?"

He shot me a glance. Color appeared bright for a moment on his face. Brushing the grass from his jeans, he laid back on his elbows with legs stretched out front and lifted his head to stare at the sky. "I don't know. Honestly." His grin flashed and he chuckled. "You can be such an ass, a holy prig, but shit... there's something about you..." He rolled to lay on his side, leaning on an elbow to watch me. "This is probably going to be the stupidest thing I've ever said, but whenever I'm with you, like now I mean, it just... feels right. You feel right, like no matter what happens, it'll be okay."

A choking sensation kept me from speaking; I could only stare in return. Finally forcing myself to say something, I croaked out, "Not stupid." Hardly an adequate response, but the best I could manage.

As though he understood, he touched my arm, slid his palm over bare skin and cupped his fingers in mine. "So what now? What are we?" he asked again.

I looked at him then, remembering all I could about him.

The feel of our first kiss and how pliant his lips had been. The first time he made love to me, his touch, the feel of moving inside him. The feel of him inside me. How his sweat slicked skin rubbed against mine. The weight of his braid when it fell, the silkiness of his hair brushing my chest. The softness of his cheek under my fingertips. 

And how he'd appear late at night, his hair tousled, lids slitted half-shut with a cat-ate-the-canary, very sated expression. Seeing him as he slept, spread to every inch of his bed when alone, and neatly compact when curled next to me. In the early morning hours, before the first cup of coffee, his eyes not quite open, his mind still half asleep when his words made no sense and his body sought reassurance I was there. Anger clashed with his geniality; the dark almost black color that flooded his normally blue irises.

As he slouched at lunch, hunched over the table or laid back, his feet propped up on another chair. In my room, sprawled across the floor playing a game, watching a movie. At class he'd be attentive, every sense alert tracking discussions as they flew; his brain alive and active, enjoying the debates.

The smell of his shampoo, cheap and fragrant, lingered in my olfactory memory. Of the cologne he insisted on wearing, when inclined to wear any, sharp and strong, manly in a blue-collar world. The sweat-soaked shirt pressed to my face in a hug after a basketball game. The fresh cleanness while sharing a shower.

Wincing when he sang bawdy songs at the top of his lungs crossing the quad. The involuntary mewls and gasps, whispering my name at the pinnacle of culmination. Dirty and crude suggestions in the middle of class, distracting, exciting and embarrassing. And melodious, deep velvet baritone, joining harmony with Trowa and Heero. 

The taste of him, his kisses, his flesh. The musky saltiness when he'd climax. And each part of him different; sweet and dry to pungent and moist. 

All of it distinctively Duo. 

"I don't know," I replied at last, honesty and regret in my tone. He dropped his gaze, releasing his hold. Before he could pull away completely, I turned to him, my hand going to the nape of his neck. "But I'd like to find out." And I kissed him.

~


End file.
